


Dope

by Alexandria (heartfullofelves)



Series: X is for... [4]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Drug Use, M/M, almost literal crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2441816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfullofelves/pseuds/Alexandria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up naked and half draped over a pteranodon was an entirely new experience for Captain Jack Harkness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dope

**Author's Note:**

> I asked Tumblr the important question of: what would Jack and Ianto get up to when stoned? If I used your idea, thank you. Gmariam said to flip their reactions and surprise you – I hope I managed that!  
> Disclaimer: I do not condone the use of drugs. However, these characters are mature adults and can make their own decisions.  
> PS. I have never tried any drugs (if only because I’ve never been offered any). And it probably shows. But this is a crack fic (almost literally, except that it's a different drug) so just enjoy it.

Waking up naked and half draped over a pteranodon was an entirely new experience for Captain Jack Harkness. He’d had sex with aliens before, but this was taking it to a whole other level.

He jumped to his feet and looked for his clothes. They were nowhere in sight. Frowning, he pointed a finger at Myfanwy. “What the hell did we get up to last night?” he demanded. When he received no verbal response, only a less-than-interested blink, he soon understood the absurdity of asking a dinosaur questions and made his way down from the eyrie and into the main hub.

“Ianto, have you seen my clothe– Good morning, Gwen,” he sang, hoping the grin that accompanied his bright tone would be enough to disguise the fact that he was rather worried about the circumstances of his wakening that morning.

Gwen blushed but said a confident “Morning Jack – and little Jack.”

He gave her a sheepish grin in response to her questioning look. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Footsteps that could only belong to Tosh moved towards them. “Hi Gwen, do you know if – Oh.” Her lips made a shape that perfectly matched the word. “Did we miss the memo about casual Friday?” she managed after a while. It had indeed taken her that long to come up with an intelligible sentence, she was so distracted. Glancing at Gwen, she saw that her co-worker was staring just as much as she was, and forced herself to focus on Jack’s face.

Jack was given no time to reply as at that moment Owen came rushing in. “Hi, sorry I’m late – Oh, god, put that away. It’s much too early for that kind of eyesore. Bloody hell.”

Gwen cleared her throat. “Dare I ask why you are standing naked in the hub at eight on a Friday morning?” she addressed their boss, always the one to ask the important questions.

“I was looking for my clothes before you lot came in. But don’t tell me you don’t like what you see,” Jack leered.

Gwen and Tosh swallowed and didn’t say a word. Owen, on the other hand, said, “Okay, I won’t tell you, though I’m sure your ego could handle it.”

“Thank you, I’m sure,” was Jack’s flat reply. He pouted in mock offence.

“But just why are you-” Tosh waved her hand about, unwilling to say the N word- “currently without clothes?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, giving up the excuses.

“And where’s the tea boy?” asked Owen. “I need caffeine.”

“That I also don’t know,” Jack moaned.

“Great, I’ll go and look for him, shall I?” Owen grumbled, leaving the others in search of Ianto.

He found the man in the kitchen, fully-dressed and putting five mugs of coffee on a tray. When said man turned around, Owen used his senses to take in the obvious signs, and although he was surprised, he was also proud of his skill at discovering exactly what was going on. He and Ianto returned to the others.

“But what happened?” Gwen was wondering.

“Worry not, ladies, for Dr Harper has the answer,” Owen announced, picking up his mug and taking a slow sip of coffee. “All you need to do is use your eyes and your nose. You two were concentrating on the wrong part of our captain’s fine physique. What you would have noticed, if you had not been so distracted, is that his eyes – and Ianto’s – are unusually red. While it’s tempting for you sensitive females to think that they spent the night sobbing their eyes out in each other’s arms for reasons unbeknownst to us, one only has to get close enough to take a sniff to deduce that these two have in fact been having fun with Mary Jane.”

Jack, Gwen, and Tosh stared at him.

He smirked. “Just call me Sherlock.”

“But why can’t I remember last night?” asked Jack, still concerned.

“It’s a side effect of the drug,” explained Ianto, and everyone’s gaze shifted to him. “What? So I might’ve smoked a little dope a few times when I was younger. What does it matter?”

Jack smiled a little. “It doesn’t,” he replied, eyes softening, as he meant it. The two of them had decided that life was too short (well, Ianto’s life was, anyway) to worry about their pasts and that focussing on the present was much more worthwhile. “Okay, so you and me, in Owen’s words, had fun with Mary Jane last night. I can’t remember why, but I’m more interested in the how: how on earth did I come to wake up stark naked in Myfanwy’s eyrie?”

Gwen choked on her own saliva, Tosh’s eyes became round saucers, and even Owen looked up sharply from where his eyes had been fixed on his drink.

“It was my plan to freak you out,” Ianto enlightened him. “But keep in mind that I was stoned and probably not capable of having any ideas that made sense. Just think of it as a stupid prank. We had fun, anyway.” And he winked.

Jack turned on him and grabbed his tie. “What else happened that I don’t remember?”

Ianto’s answer came out as a squeak. “Let’s just say that neither of us performed especially well, and that extra hot curry is called ‘extra hot’ for a reason.”

“Takes a genius to work that one out,” muttered Owen.

“And just where are my clothes?”

“Ah,” said Ianto, defeated. “I can’t really tell you _where_ , but as for what _hap_ -”

“Hey, you left a note with this piece of alien tech on my desk,” Tosh announced, having gone to her workstation and seen the piece of paper.

“-pened…”

Everyone turned to look as she frowned at the note. “It says to test it on Owen. You two must have tried it out last night. It can’t be too dangerous, then.”

She pointed the device, whose purpose she’d been trying to work out for days now, at Owen, and pushed the little red button. They all looked at their medic.

“So _that’s_ what happened to my clothes,” Jack realised. He took the device from Tosh and examined it, memories of last night flooding back. He glanced at Ianto, his blue eyes conveying that he remembered everything. The two of them howled with laughter, clutching at their sides.

“Okay, time to let the cat out of the bag.” Gwen put her hands on her hips and looked at them in expectation.

Ianto gave a little smirk before beginning his story.

* * *

He'd left the hub to go home, but returned ten minutes later because he had forgotten his jacket, draped over the chair at his workstation, his wallet in the pocket. Ianto Jones was not a forgetful person, but he was exhausted after a week in which the Rift had been relentless, spitting out extraterrestrials and alien tech left, right and centre. It was a Thursday night and all he wanted was to go home and crash on the couch. He rushed back inside the hub with the intention of just grabbing the jacket and making a swift exit, but his nostrils alerted him to a strange smell wafting from Jack’s office.

“Jack?” he called, frowning. When there was no immediate answer, he walked up to the office and went in, not bothering to knock. His eyes widened at the sight before him.

Jack was reclining in his chair, resting his feet on the desk, not so unusual a position for him. What _was_ unusual was the joint he held in his left hand, inhaling. It was so unlike Jack that Ianto froze and didn’t speak for a while as he took in the information. _Jack was smoking marijuana_. Ianto blinked, and cleared his throat.

Jack looked up and saw Ianto standing there, and smiled at him. “I thought you’d left with the others,” he said.

Ianto shook his head. “Left my jacket behind. Came back to get it.”

“Hm.” Jack nodded to himself, looking strangely serious. “Fair enough.” A moment later, his eyes wandered back to meet Ianto’s, and he held out the joint. “Share it with me?”

Ianto’s eyes widened in surprise. That Jack was smoking dope was weird enough; that he offered to share it with Ianto was even weirder. Still, it wasn’t as if Ianto had never smoked before, and since the offer was there… He plucked the joint out of Jack’s hand and took a long drag.

Once the joint was fully smoked, Jack pulled Ianto into his lap. “How do you feel?” the older man asked.

“I feel hungry,” answered the younger. “How do you feel?”

“I could do with a snack.”

“Hey, ‘snack’ rhymes with ‘Jack’,” Ianto giggled.

“Mmhm.” Jack nuzzled Ianto’s neck. “Want to go out and grab a bite?”

“I know something else I’d rather bite.” Ianto’s attempt at seduction would have been more successful had he not lost his balance while trying to stand up so that he could turn and face Jack, who laughed so much that he ended up half on top of Ianto on the floor.

“Come on.” Jack got up and extended a hand to Ianto. “I’m craving a curry right now.”

They took the invisible lift up onto the Plass and walked from there to the Indian restaurant that Ianto often ordered the team’s takeaways from. Arms around each other, they entered the restaurant, giggling when Jack tripped up on the welcome mat and Ianto had to catch him before he fell and tripped them both up. Jack ordered them an extra hot chicken Madras to take away, and panicked when he didn’t have enough coins in his coat pockets. Ianto produced a credit card, and after four attempts managed to swipe it through the machine. As they waited for their curry they watched a TV screen that was playing some Bollywood film.

“He’s very pretty,” Jack commented on the main guy in the video.

Ianto giggled, and pointed at the lead girl. “And she’s very handsome.”

“Have you ever thought about getting a nose piercing?” Jack asked.

Ianto had to think before he answered, “Maybe once, in my teenage years. I was one of _those_ kids.”

Jack giggled. “I bet you were cute, trying to be all gothic.”

“Emo, actually.”

“Right. Well, in the 90s I had a Prince Albert piercing…”

Ianto’s eyes, which were fairly red but not as bloodshot as Jack’s, widened. “You didn’t!”

“I did so! There is even photographic evidence,” Jack pouted.

“I bet there is,” Ianto smirked.

When the curry was ready, the Welshman took great care not to drop it as they walked back across the Plass and down into the hub. They sat on the ratty old couch by the hub’s entrance with forks taken out of the dishwasher and began to eat. Jack took one bit of the chicken Madras and shouted, “It’s hot, it’s hot, it’s hot!”

“Blow on it,” Ianto suggested.

“Not that kind of hot,” Jack gasped, and rushed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. His mouth on fire, he skulled the water and refilled his glass, bringing it back to the sofa with him.

Together they managed to eat about half of the curry before their mouths were burning too much to consume any more. They left the plastic container on the table in front of them, their interest gone when they heard some strange noises coming from the cells. Jack got up to investigate and Ianto followed him, laughing to himself when he saw Jack knock something off Toshiko’s desk. His laughter stopped when the device that had fallen onto the floor emitted a yellow light and their clothes disappeared off their very bodies. Ianto looked at the artefact in amazement; Jack whipped out a gun and aimed it at the device.

“Where did you hide that?” Ianto frowned in confusion. “You don’t have any clothes.”

Jack smirked. “You probably don’t want to know.” He tried for a wink but the action ended up as more of a blink instead. “Strange as it seems, this has happened to me before.”

“So are you experiencing – what’s it called? – déjà vu?”

“Not exactly. I have better company this time, and I’m not the only one who’s naked either.”

When the artefact didn’t prove to be any further threat, Jack put the gun away in a safe place – not where he’d kept it previously – and put it back on Tosh’s work station. “Should leave her a note so she knows what it does,” he mumbled. “Ianto, get a pen and paper.”

They both put their thinking caps on to decide what to write. They settled for: _Test it on Owen._ Cackling, Ianto and Jack left the note on top of the device and went down into the cells to check on the aliens they held captive there. Janet and one of the other weevils were making sounds which, after listening with open ears and mind, Jack decided were the sounds the creatures made while singing.

“It’s quite romantic,” said wide-eyed Ianto. “Wonder what weevils have to sing about.” Then he giggled over the alliteration he’d used in that sentence.

“Considering they live in sewers, I’m thinking it’s about blue skies, green grass, and the golden sun.” Jack laughed so hard at his own joke that he had to sit down on the cold, hard floor. He got up again when he realised it wasn’t the most comfortable position he could be in right at that moment.

“Two naked men and an empty hub,” Jack said as they emerged from the cells. “What could we possibly get up to?”

“I’m sure there’s a list somewhere,” Ianto replied with a grin.

An hour later (because in the state they were in, it did take an hour) Ianto got up from Jack’s bed in the bunker to grab a glass of water. When he re-entered the man’s office, he found Jack sitting half on the desk, one foot flat on the floor, the other up on his desk, leg bent. He looked very much in his element, hands moving as he spoke to the desk. Ianto heard the end of his story: “And to think that it all started because of a stopwatch.” Finished, Jack shook his head, a silly little smile forming on his lips. “If I believed in angels, he would be my angel,” he said to himself, gazing at the ceiling.

Ianto’s mind was a little clearer now, due to him not having smoked as much of the joint as Jack, though it wasn’t quite in its normal state, and the idea that came into his head right then brought him so much glee that he couldn’t resist carrying it out. It would be a perfect revenge. For what, he wasn’t quite sure, but he was sure he could think of some excuse.

He dragged Jack up to Myfanwy’s eyrie and they played with and petted the pteranodon, Ianto feeding her bits of roadkill that were obtained just for her. Myfanwy fell asleep after Ianto gave her a massage. Jealous, Jack demanded one too, which Ianto gave with what should have seemed a suspicious amount of pleasure. The Welshman’s talented hands put Jack to sleep before he knew it, and all Ianto had to do was drag the unconscious form a few steps closer to the slumbering pterosaur.

He laughed to himself – executing his plan had proved easier than he’d thought.

Ianto stumbled back down to Jack’s spartan room, almost tumbling off the ladder, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. His dreams that night were colourful and sunny.


End file.
